Wednesday, 26 January 2011

I Still Like Portello

INTERIOR. DAY.

A lone BLOGGER stares at the screen of an open laptop. He notes the date of his last blog post and with a disbelieving look, checks his watch to confirm the current date.

BLOGGER
Crikey.

The BLOGGER opens the LiveWriter application on the laptop and looks blankly at the blank WYSIWYG interface.

BLOGGER
Sigh.

The BLOGGER begins to type. Hesitantly at first, then with more confidence.

BLOGGER
I shouldn't even offer an excuse as to why it's been so long. I don't really have one. Besides, any attempt to offer one would probably come off as self-serving and patronising. The fact is, I haven't felt like it.

The BLOGGER'S WIFE, an attractive, intelligent, kind and understanding woman enters the room.

BLOGGER'S WIFE
Who are you talking to?

BLOGGER
No-one. I wasn't actually talking. I'm just typing. This is a meta-exercise in blogging using the form of a film script.

BLOGGER'S WIFE
It sounds pretentious.

BLOGGER
It could be. That's why it's a good idea to have a sympathetic character point that out. Representing the idea that it's pretentious within the piece itself can put the audience on side.

BLOGGER'S WIFE
Yeah, definitely pretentious. Anyway, when did you start blogging again?

BLOGGER
I haven't really. The other thing I'm trying to do here is work out what I want this blog to be about.

BLOGGER'S WIFE
You're over the whole skepticism and atheism thing?

BLOGGER
No, not at all. I'm more active than ever in both those areas. And I still write about skepticism over at the Victorian Skeptics blog. I just think my focus needs to change. Writing on topics like that was about exploring my own understanding of them. And while my understanding has grown, it's also changed.

BLOGGER'S WIFE
Maybe that's worth writing about.

BLOGGER
Maybe.

BLOGGER'S WIFE
What about all the other stuff? Like the Dead Pool. And holiday snaps.

BLOGGER
Well, the Dead Pool has its own blog ...

BLOGGER'S WIFE
Which you've also neglected.

BLOGGER
... and I think photos and whatnot work better on Facebook and Twitter. Mainly because it's easier to ignore them there.

BLOGGER'S WIFE
Film reviews and general nerdiness?

BLOGGER
There'll always be a place for that.

The BLOGGER pauses and looks again at the screen. After a few seconds, he closes the laptop.

BLOGGER'S WIFE
Cup of tea?

BLOGGER
Love one.

THE END

7 comments:

Podblack said...

EXTERIOR. NIGHT.

BLOGGER II reloads the tactical thermonuclear device and places it gently in the basket. She checks her watch and doodles her fingers over the touch-pad, until she reaches the RSS feed for assorted blogs.

BLOGGER II
*pfft*

BLOGGER II begins to type: offering advice such as having particular goals or set times of the day to blog. Set word count or blog post total over a week. Using particular items to inspire lengthy commentary or (for future reference purposes) listing news links, other blog entries or issues or items that interested you over that day, week, month. Branch out into YouTube videos, short audio blog-entries, change the format of writing into - say - a script rather than a blog-entry essay. Collating these into a new project of some form.

BLOGGER II
...He's probably sick of my forwarding all those emails to do with 10:23 anyway.

BLOGGER II deletes comment and heads back inside, to finish PORTAL on a time-limit - which is another strategy, really.

Sean said...

Blogger 111

*wipes eyes - then gets back to avoiding writing about skepticism or atheism*

Rob said...

BLOGGER IV
Oooh. That reminds me. I've got a new Office Tip to post.
I wonder if it would be too shameless to plug it here.
I'm sure BLOGGER wouldn't mind.

Quick Joe Smith said...

RESIDENT TROLL

I like your old stuff better than your new stuff.

Dave ~ said...

I'm looking forward to the sequel, I Still Like Portello II - Elecric Boogaloo, tag line, 'This time it's personal'.

There's lots of explosions and really cool CGI. There's a really cool scene where the lead protagonist (Blogger) tortures this Lord Mayor guy until he admits he's just a Scientology stooge and another where he gets all kung fu in Tom Cruis' face.

Much better than Mission Impossible II, because let's face it, that was shit.

Anonymous said...

Hussar a post !

Pretension is great !
Imagine if Oscar Wilde had been adverse to pretension.
"I have nothing to declare but my genius". :)

How has your understanding of atheism / scepticism changed ?

Photos are good, I don't look at your facebook page.

Rachael said...

I love it! I want to steal it, but I couldn't do it with a straight face. LOL! :-)
Thanks for making contact!